Thursday, May 16, 2013

...courage...

there are moments in life when it hits me...i begin to wonder how i can have another child. have another part of my heart walking around outside my body.  i love my boys with such a fierce intensity that at times, it scares me. i never want them to hurt or feel pain, be sad or embarrassed, but that is not reality and yesterday through both mine and masons thick tears i was reminded that there is only so much i can do...



i would say mason had his first encounter with true embarrassment yesterday.  his personality doesn't have a whole lot of room for that. he's my outgoing, funny, strong boy. he's like a duck, shit just rolls off his back.  i kind of envy that about him actually. but yesterday there came a moment when the world continued on while mason and i sat in the hallway at school, him clutching me, big alligator tears staining his cheeks and me unable to talk because if i uttered a single word my tears would match his.  my heart hurt for him. i wanted to curl him into my arms and take him home where all is right with the world. where "safe" remains. but as his mother i knew i could not do that.  i knew as heartwrenching as it was in that moment that i had to teach him how to continue on in the face of embarrassment or fear or whatever the case may be in the future. with a little help, he was peeled off of me, tears now streaming my face as i looked to his teacher for the strength i was clearly lacking. i kissed him hard and left. i felt like i had abandoned him when he needed me. so, i walked to my car and cried a thousand tears.  tears that i can't always protect him.  tears that he will grow up and encounter all of the things i so desperately want to protect him from.  tears that all of my children will encounter these things.



when i am not sobbing, logically i know that encountering and enduring the tough times are what will help to shape my children into the adults they are meant to become. rationally i know that i myself,  encountered all of these things too and i am ok. they will be OK.  and you know what.... he was ok too. i picked him up and my old mason had returned. our tears had dried and together we tucked a life lesson in our pockets. mase got a little bit stronger and more resilient. i, stronger also for leaving my heart there outside my body, crying, to work through life on his own... we both DID. IT.



this is the first of many of these moments, of that i am positive. i know there will be days that i don't stand my ground, days where i pick them up and bring them home to safety, and that's ok too, but now i know i can do both. i can't always protect them. i know that my golden boy gets asked about his "white eye" all the time and i have prepared him with his answer to those questions. there are days he gets made fun of for his white eye when he comes home and tells me "nobody likes my birth mark". oh' how i hurt for him, but i also know that down the road the ladies will eat him alive over it and it is my job to teach him how to own it in the mean time.



i know my sister cried buckets of tears over the acne she once had. i hurt for her. hurt that i couldn't take that away. dad and i wanted to go bust up some middle school kids for ever causing one tear to fall from her eyes, but again, that was not reality and we didn't think jail was a good idea either, but today...well today she is gorgeous and no worse for the wear. she made it through those tough times stronger than she would have ever been had she not had those moments.

yes that is my tiny baby bump... west baby #4 continues to do well!
tis life man.  and sometimes life sucks, but in all of those sucky moments there is a lesson to be learned and strength to be gained.  in the meantime i eat up the effortless moments. the ones that don't consume us with tears.  the ones full of smiles and laughter and i stock pile them for the ones that aren't so easy.



being a mommy is hard work.  the hardest of work i personally think there is.  we are in charge of little lives, keeping them safe and teaching them how to navigate this big bad world all while having this intense love and attachment to them.  there are days i think back to my prechildren days. it was true freedom. i didn't spend my days, nights and everything in between worrying, feeling and thinking about anything like i have ever done with my children.  i eat, sleep and breathe them.  as it should be, but i did not realize then the true freedom that i had. and i don't mean freedom to party and play, cause i totally never did that...ahem...  i'm talking about emotional freedom. i will never have that emotional freedom again nor do i want it, however i realized yesterday i do kinda wish i had relished it a little more when i had it.  i pray that my boys will always be strong, resilient and brave. i pray that i am able to teach them these things.  i think of my mom who wasn't really around and i can't fathom the ability to willingly not be around to watch your child grow up ... i would do anything for my children,  even leave them standing in a classroom crying, to teach them how to continue on in the face of adversity.



i love you mason, austin and paxton more than you will ever know!



love and hugs,
~j

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