Monday, March 21, 2011

Why Hello There

It's hard to believe its been a month since I have last posted. It has been weighing heavily on my mind, as has other stuff and truth is the other stuff won.  Thank you to the readers who have reached out to make sure that we are ok and to let us know you have missed us.  Truly, you made my days.

So I have been living in this pendulum between insanely grateful and scared to death.  I am not sure if just over a year puts it all into perspective or what, but my fear that seemed to be controlled, although in hindsight was just to busy to grasp, is now in full force.  I cannot get over this nagging feeling that something is going to happen to Paxton.  I don't know what it is and I am in a full fledged boxing match over the conclusion that it's mothers intuition or just plain fear/anxiety.  Paxton is so amazing. Oh he's so happy. Sees the rainbow instead of the rain. Makes lemonade whenever there are lemons.  If I could just be like him we'd be all right.  He is almost walking and when you see how proud he is pushing his walking train around you will light up like a Christmas tree just as I do. It's impossible not to. The kid is infectious.

The boys have all been sick and I am now sick.  Pretty much it's like wildfire in a house of 5. I swear it just goes in circles.  Only one who has avoided it all is Daddy. Course spooning with them after they just get done puking is pretty much asking to get sick, but I couldn't stay away if I tried.  And here I am laid up in bed for 3 days with 102 fever, body aches and nausea. This only after going to the hospital last Wednesday for a migraine so severe I couldn't keep anything down for 24 hours. Yah' it's that good people!  So I got fluids and some killer drugs only to turn around and get the flu.  On the bright side, I showered this morning!  It's only been... what 36 hours because the thought of getting under water when I felt like an iceberg already was debilitating.
Who knew though what a little soap and razor action could do for a girl!

So here we are a month later. Bills to be paid, crap to be done and a list the has gotten infinitely long.  I breathe.  Remind myself that it will all be here to tomorrow too.  That while I am not the Mommy I used to be, the one who had her shit together at all times, I am also not the Mommy I used to be... I am Mommy to a special needs baby.  He who has shown me that it really doesn't matter. Let the bill collectors call asking for money for a $600,000 surgery and find it comical to answer and then hang up on them just as fast, as if in middle school doing a prank call.  You pay what you can and that's what matters.  Find the humor in running out of pull-ups and using Paxtons diapers as replacements instead of beating yourself up over nothing.  I am not in fact, Costco after all.  I am learning to love the new Mommy I have become.  She's not as type A have it all together as she used to be, but she tries and she loves.  She spoils her boys a little to much, her heart hurts for what they have been through this past year. She clings a little to tightly to a little boy who has moved mountains.  She tries to claw her way back to the wife she used to be.  Baby steps. It's all baby steps.  Nothing monumental happens without roadblocks.
I take the ebbing and flowing as it comes.  Try not to question it.  Try to realign myself to that place of peace and trust. That place of handing it over and knowing the destination is out of my hands.  My oh' so controlling hands.
Oh' it's good to be back. To tune out and hear nothing but my fingers grace the keys.  I have missed you dear blog. If for nothing else than to just pretend I am the writer I have always wanted to be. Oh yes, someday just as with everything else....
I cannot wait to post pictures of my ever growing babes. They are truly heaven on Earth!
I will be back!  I will. I am realigning myself to those things which make me whole.  Writing is one of them.  My babes are one of them and if I blog for no  other reason than my kids then that's reason enough.

Please hold! Cause I'll be right back!

Hugs~
J

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